My Deepest Apologies to My Betters at Facebook

Recently I was banned from Facebook for hate speech. In context, I was replying to one of the many lame, weepy, emotional posts about migrant children, trying to bring some reason to a very emotional, and frankly whacko fake crisis genned up to distract Americans from the far more serious Inspector General Report. Within that overall response, I pointed out that the Left are all about separating families. I cited abortion, which separates babies from their mother’s womb, and homosexual “marriage”, which depending on the configuration either deprives children of mothers or fathers. This was a huge mistake.

As a Christian who actually believes the Bible, I try not to be hateful to anybody. I wasn’t calling for violence. I wasn’t calling anybody a Nazi. I wasn’t advocating harm of any kind. But since I insisted on employing Christian speech fully consistent with the teachings of both Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul, I found myself in the shameful position of being in violation of Facebook’s Community Standards.

I am concerned that Facebook’s Community Standards are a little vague, which is probably by design so they can apply them at will to anyone they wish to lovingly correct. So, as a service to the Community, I have prepared some guidelines to keep the average Christian from being inadvertently but justly banned.

1) Do not be derogatory towards homosexuals.

It is very important that you do not use any language that could be considered offensive or hurtful to these shining bastions of virtue and goodness. Do not use terminology such as pervert, sexual deviant, sodomite, faggot, or the like. These are very hurtful. Even contemplating these or even worse terms such as fudge packer, breech loader, ass bandit or carpet muncher will do such irreparable harm to your mind as to bring you into violation of Facebook’s forthcoming Community Thought Standards, so you should probably go ahead and scroll down.

I know you’re probably confused. How, you may ask, can a man jamming his erect member up another man’s poop chute or a woman intentionally looking and acting like Rosie O’Donnell be considered normal? Simply asking the question, let alone thinking it, demonstrates how backwards, hateful, and immoral you are. Perhaps millions of years of human behavior has been geared towards what, until the last 30 years, was normal human biological reproduction. But no more. Humanity has evolved, and the entire other 99% of the human population must learn to accept this bold new definition of normal in order to avoid offending the 1% that has learned a beautiful new use for the rectum.

2) Do not criticize gay marriage.

This is huge. I know your first instinct is to want to yield to common sense and also several thousand years of normal human practice worldwide, and affirm that marriage should only be between one man and one woman. This is how it has been done for ages. It was the process by which, until very recently, children were produced biologically (see point 1) and then reared in a safe, loving, nurturing environment. But you would be wrong. The Supreme Court has spoken, and obviously, all of reality must bend to fit their wise and benevolent rule.

You probably don’t realize it, but simply by loving your wife as a man, or loving your husband as a woman, and wishing to marry one another for love and perhaps the production of offspring, you are guilty of bigotry and hate. Gay people cannot control what they are, obviously. The rest of us simply endeavoring to do what was perfectly normal until less than 1% of the population discovered a new normal for the other 99% is a supreme act of hatred, because it denies these poor people their God given right to completely circumvent both reason and biology.

Do not suggest that it is social and cultural suicide to force a new kind of normal on the 99% of the population that had not known there was anything previously wrong with the old normal.

Do not imply that children need Fathers. Fatherhood is part of the patriarchy, and is an example of toxic masculinity and rape culture. The definition of “family” must be permitted to continue to evolve to someday include, I assume, such bold and noble configurations as marriage to farm animals and breakfast cereal. You have to let events take their course.

3) Accept your place in this brave new world.

Please understand, Christian, people on the Left are better than us and smarter than us, so it’s okay for less than 1% of the population to redefine normal for everyone else. This is the natural side effect of their wise and benevolent management of reality.

It is not enough for society to merely allow gay marriage or homosexuality to exist. Everyone, no matter their religious affiliation or prior protection under the 1st Amendment of the United States Constitution, must utterly alter their thinking. You cannot merely agree with Big Brother – you must love Big Brother.

If we are unwilling to alter our traditional Christian beliefs, our continued existence only fosters more hate.

It’s not hard, Christians. All you have to do is abandon your wrong thinking and get your minds right with Facebook’s new more accepting and tolerant Community Standards, and you should not have any problems.

I hope this clarified set of Facebook Community Standards has helped you. Don’t be guilty of hate speech, like me!